Do you belive it cause...

I really believe holding is harder then letting go. I wonder if he loves me. I've been so stressed, to much to handle. I was told almost two weeks ago that I was suffering from manic depression. I didn't want to hear that; my boyfriend knew it everyone saw it, I wore it like a name tag. School has started the people are great I have become close with a few people. There is just this one particular girl; she is a really nice person, but I just don't understand her pitty parties? If you think about it everyone somewhere has it worse then you do. I know I have it great compared to many people. It just makes me mad because I have problems to just like any other normal teenager but hers are worse because..well who knows but the funny thing is, is that they are no worse then mine. I know I'm rambling but I just have no one to talk to. Christopher and I are drifting; he doesn't say "I love you" anymore; the way he use to and when he does it's not the same and I don't know why. Am I loosing him, am I not holding on tight enough, should I loosen my grip? What should I do?!I can't even think of not being with him, for the first time in nine months; I cried, when I tried to see my life with out him, it was impossible infact it was heartbreaking. I tried so hard but everytime I closed my eyes I could only see him and the MINUTE I said "picture it with out him" I cried, that never happens. I'm suppose to be strong, not weak. Crying is a weakness I'm not suppose to show it. God I miss him, I love him, my world is not complete with out him by my side, and my life is well empty with out him. I want to marry him and I just, I FRICKEN LOVE YOU CHRISTOPHER. I don't know if I am overthinking everything, I'm sure I am but, I'd rather over think then be oblivious..right?

Well write back soon

saying goodbye..

has got to be the hardest thing in the world. watching someone who was your scape goat just up and leave, but you're the only one she's saying bye too. you know it is the right thing for her to do, but it's hard to watch all the good times fade. she is my best friend, like a sister, i trust her with my life and she was someone i could count on, more than anything. i know i still can but it hurts to much to watch her leave. i'll help her packk, that will be so hard, she's packing up her life. i wish i could go with her but i can't, i have school, family and commitments. i know it is the right thing for her to do. she wants a fresh start, she wants to start over. for her, for her son. god it's so hard to to write this, i know she will read it. when she does i want her to know i love her. i know i sound like a dyke but she needs to know how much she has really impacted my life. she is my best friend, my other half, my sister, my mom:)<3 she is the laughter, and she is the friend that can make me laugh even when i don't want to smile. she makes my tears turn in to happy tears. you're my best friend bitch... dont forget it!!!

I have never felt

so alone, so unwanted and so..sad. Tonight has got to be the worst night of my life. I went over to my moms to visit and one thing led to another and now my family thinks I am pretty much in need of a counsler. I was upset, so I said things I wasn't thinking striaght. I'm sure if any teenager had to hear their mother say, "well you are fat" to thier face it would deffinatly break you down just a little bit, maybe a lot. My mom told me I was fat. I don't want to eat anymore, I don't want to face this alone but I have to. I gave all my friends away pretty much I pushed them so far away I can't get them back. I have a few close ones but I miss all my friends. I'm not saying I want to die, but I am saying I want to get away, I want to be part of a world where no one knows me. I want to be in a world where no one exists. It would be one lonely place but hey couldn't be much worse then what I have here. I hate knowing that at any given moment all my happiness can be taken away. That is why I never want to be happy. I have become that girl who wakes up in the morning looks at herself in the mirror for a good 15 minutes picking out things she hates about herself. I pick out the smallest things that no one else can see such as the way my eyes are, or the freckles on my face. These imperfections I see change from day to day and I hate it. I know that people talk about me and how rude and stupid and bitchy I am but they don't know me. When I was talking to my mom on Sunday night, after my dad came over cause she called him cause I was "out of control" she made a clear point to me and my dad, "you asked her to grow up at the age of 12" I see that now, I was asked to become an adult at the age of 12 I was not allowed to experience that childhood all my friends had. I was taking care of my dad and now I feel like I have lost that role. When I was 12 and my parents first split up I was everything to my dad. I was his best friend, his confidante, his girlfriend (not in that way you sick fucks), and his daughter. Now that he has remarried I have lost that, I don't know what my role is anymore, I don't know what my place in his life is other then his daughter. At the age of 12 I was holding on to the lugage of a 18 year old. I was no longer a child. I told my dad what he had done and he said "Charlotte I was asked the same thing when I was seven" I thought to my self, if thats how it was for you, why would you want that for me, I want wish I still had my childhood, I wish I could go back and just be a child and have no worries. I don't know what to feel or what to do, I do know tho that everything I have kept in for 5 years is finally coming out. It is all finally being shared, but I wish I had someone who fully understood, because as of right now, not a single person knows how I feel.

So I'm exicted

for promm! It's tomorrow, gah I can't wait. I got my boyfriend the male version of a corsage. I can't spell what it really is. I got him one with a pink and white flower to match my dress and his suit. He got me a pretty one to but won't tell what it looks like so I will be totally surprised. I am leaving tomorrow at 4:30ish to get to his house with my dad driving behind me to take pictures at his house (meaning christophers) and yah. I'm soo pumped! Mind you that is not the only thing I'm way pumped for. My daddy is getting married on Saturday! YAY more feeling like I'm a princess... "I wish I were a princess" ahahah, well I'm going to be one this weekend! YAY anyways I miss Ashleyy! I wasn't at school today and I missed Ashley. I had no idea how to deal with my selff! I saw her eating lunch cause I came for 3rd only to present my ISU and I couldn't go see her. She's my girlfriend haha, and we have now sharred a new beginning, the word 'chubber' she has full parental rights, I just adopted rights. Man I can't wait till Tuesday, she's going to have a lot to talk about and I have a caca load of pictures to sharee. Gawd I love life right now. I hate it though cause I miss ashhole!

i love...

my boyfriend. Tonight Christopher came over and he took me down to the pier just to sit and talk. I miss doing that, like alot. Tonight we were cleaning my room and moved it around, yes again I get bored of it easily so I need CHANGE. He was looking for my old necklace he got me and sadly no luck finding it. He was rather upset about it, mind you I feel absoultly terrible about miss placing it. So it will be 19 months we have been dating as of May 8th, so excitingg. Well I do have school tomorrow soo good-bye for noww!

ps. my friend ashleyy gotted me into this blogging stuff, it really works when you need to vent.. THANKS ASHH!